You Can’t Fix Stupid — But You Can Manage Conflict

Today we encountered some rather unpleasant members of the public.

There was aggression, there were accusations and eventually the police were called.

And do you know what?

The police were lovely.

They listened, understood the situation and supported our right to be naturists. Everything was dealt with calmly and professionally, as our experiences with the police have consistently been.

Nobody needed to shout louder.

Nobody needed to win an argument.

Nobody needed to turn a disagreement into a confrontation.

And afterwards it got me thinking about something that is useful far beyond naturism:

the ability to manage conflict.

Because sooner or later we all encounter somebody who is angry, confrontational, unreasonable or simply absolutely determined to have an argument.

The real skill is learning not to join them.

You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to

Another person’s anger doesn’t create an obligation for you to become angry too.

Someone can shout at you.

You don’t have to shout back.

Someone can insult you.

You don’t have to insult them back.

Someone can be spectacularly confident while being spectacularly wrong.

You don’t necessarily have to convince them otherwise.

And this isn’t just my philosophy.

The College of Policing’s evidence-based guidance on conflict management specifically identifies emotional awareness and self-regulation, active listening, situational awareness, verbal and non-verbal communication and negotiation as important non-physical skills for managing conflict.

Its evidence review looked at 18 studies testing de-escalation or conflict-management training. Among the common features associated with reductions in aggression and physical violence were understanding other people’s motivations, showing empathy, interpersonal communication, active listening and learning how to control your own emotions and remain calm.

In other words, keeping your cool isn’t weakness.

It’s a skill.

Calmness is control

When somebody raises their voice, our instinct can be to raise ours.

They move towards us, we become defensive.

They insult us, we want to return the favour.

And suddenly the original disagreement has disappeared completely and we’re arguing about the argument.

That achieves absolutely nothing.

The College of Policing describes verbal communication as the first tactic officers use to try to de-escalate conflict. Its practical guidance is remarkably straightforward: don’t shout, don’t use threatening language, speak clearly, use simple language, listen and remain calm.

That’s advice designed for police officers dealing with genuinely difficult situations.

It’s probably worth remembering when somebody is having a tantrum because they’ve encountered a naked person.

Understanding isn’t the same as agreeing

This matters particularly in naturism.

Something completely normal to us can be unfamiliar, uncomfortable or even shocking to somebody who has never encountered social nudity before.

We know that nudity isn’t automatically sexual.

We understand our reasons for living as naturists.

They might not.

That doesn’t excuse abusive or aggressive behaviour, but understanding why somebody is reacting badly can make it much easier not to react badly ourselves.

Maybe they’ve misunderstood what’s happening.

Maybe they’ve misunderstood the law.

Maybe they’ve spent their entire life being taught that nudity belongs exclusively in bathrooms, bedrooms and behind locked doors.

Maybe they’re frightened.

Maybe they’re embarrassed.

Or maybe they’re simply having a bad day.

You don’t have to agree with somebody to try to understand them.

And sometimes giving someone the opportunity to explain what they’re actually upset about can change the entire conversation.

There is substantial research behind that principle too. Research into what psychologists call procedural justice has repeatedly found that people respond better when they feel they’ve been heard, when decisions are explained to them, and when they’re treated with dignity and respect.

The College of Policing incorporates exactly those principles into its conflict-management guidance.

Listen.

Explain.

Be honest.

Treat people with dignity.

It isn’t revolutionary.

It’s just remarkably effective human behaviour.

You can’t fix stupid

Now, let’s introduce a slightly less academic principle.

You can’t fix stupid.

There comes a point in some conversations where you realise you’re no longer exchanging ideas.

The other person isn’t listening.

They aren’t interested in understanding.

They don’t want an explanation.

They simply want to be right.

That’s your cue to stop.

You cannot have a productive discussion with somebody who has no interest in having one.

Say what needs saying.

Remain polite.

Then disengage.

Walking away from an argument isn’t losing.

Sometimes it’s simply winning your afternoon back.

Kindness doesn’t mean being a doormat

There is an important distinction here.

Being kind doesn’t mean standing there indefinitely while somebody abuses you.

Being understanding doesn’t mean accepting threatening behaviour.

Being respectful doesn’t mean surrendering your boundaries.

Conflict management is also about recognising when a situation is no longer productive or safe.

Create some distance.

Don’t crowd somebody.

Don’t allow yourself to become surrounded.

Keep other people safe.

And if a situation genuinely requires the police, call them and then allow them to do their job.

That’s exactly what happened today.

We didn’t need to create a roadside courtroom.

We didn’t need to demonstrate how much we knew.

We didn’t need to prove ourselves to anybody.

The police arrived, listened and dealt with it.

Job done.

More than 20,000 studies

One statistic particularly interested me while looking into this.

When the College of Policing developed its conflict-management guidance, more than 20,000 studies were sifted for relevance and quality as part of the process of identifying the best available evidence.

And what emerges from all of that evidence isn’t some magical psychological trick.

It’s remarkably human.

Stay calm.

Listen.

Communicate.

Show empathy.

Understand motivation.

Create time and space.

Treat people with dignity and respect.

Those principles are used professionally because escalating aggression with more aggression tends to be a pretty lousy strategy.

We have another responsibility as naturists

There’s another reason I think this matters to us.

We’re a community.

When we’re together publicly, our behaviour doesn’t affect only the person involved in the confrontation.

Someone standing nearby might be new to naturism.

Someone might already feel vulnerable.

Someone may hate confrontation.

Someone might simply have joined us for a peaceful Sunday and suddenly find themselves watching an angry stranger shouting about naked people.

How we respond matters.

And there’s something else.

Fairly or unfairly, somebody’s encounter with one naturist can influence what they think about naturists generally.

I’d much rather someone walk away saying:

“I don’t agree with them, but they were perfectly polite.”

Because perhaps the next time they encounter naturists, they’ll be a little less frightened, a little less suspicious and a little more informed.

That’s how attitudes change.

Usually not through shouting.

Through encounters.

Through conversations.

Through familiarity.

Through people discovering that the people they thought were terribly strange are actually just people.

Acceptance, Kindness, Respect and Community

We talk a lot within Naturism Wales about Acceptance, Kindness, Respect and Community.

Those values are very easy when everybody around us is being lovely.

The real test comes when somebody isn’t.

Can we remain respectful when somebody is disrespectful?

Can we remain calm when somebody is angry?

Can we try to understand somebody who doesn’t understand us?

Can we walk away rather than needing the final word?

Hopefully, yes.

Not because we’re weak.

Because we’re in control of ourselves.

We don’t need everybody to understand naturism.

We certainly don’t need everybody to become naturists.

We’re simply asking for the same freedom we should extend to everybody else:

Live and let live.

Naturism is how we live.

Other people will live differently.

And that’s absolutely fine.

So if somebody doesn’t understand us, explain if they’re willing to listen.

If they’re worried, reassure them if you can.

If they disagree, respect their right to disagree.

If they become aggressive, stay calm, create distance and keep yourself and everyone around you safe.

And if they’re absolutely determined to be an idiot?

Smile.

Be polite.

Walk away.

Because you can’t fix stupid.

And life’s far too short to spend your Sunday trying.

A final note: North Wales Police have always been a nurturing source of advice, support, understanding and kindness. The positive and constructive mindset is an inspirational example of how demonstrating a mindful and respectful attitude in every situation can make a huge difference to enjoying a productive, peaceful and fulfilling life within a compassionate community.

References

College of Policing — Conflict Management Skills. Evidence-based guidance covering situational awareness, emotional self-regulation, active listening, verbal and non-verbal communication, negotiation and de-escalation.

College of Policing — Conflict Management: Using De-escalation, Communication and Negotiation. Evidence-based guidelines developed following extensive review of research into safely resolving conflict without force.

Tyler, T.R. — Procedural Justice and Policing. Annual Review of Law and Social Science, 2017. Research examining procedural justice, legitimacy and cooperation with authorities.

Tyler, T.R., Goff, P.A. & MacCoun, R.J. — The Impact of Psychological Science on Policing: Procedural Justice, Legitimacy, and Effective Law Enforcement. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 2015.